Ben and Sienna! Bienna? Banana? Bigheadienna?

!Ben and Sienna together now because this pic!

 

Ole Big head Ben Affleck grabbed Sienna Miller's hand and won't let go!

 Now their hands are doing it!  Ahh!

Sienna thought they were just going to shake hands to never get ass implants.  Nope.  That was a trick.

She should have known something was up, when Ben offered to do her make-up.

I hope you like casino smell, Sienna, because he is going to drag you around in there and make you flirt with the croupiers!

So You Think You Know Kanye?

Kanye has a black belt in Karate and almost a black belt in Judo.

Kanye auditioned for Friends.

Kanye surprises his houseguests with puppet shows.

Kanye starts every morning with fresh orange juice.

Kanye was going to be named Kandy, if he was a girl.

Kanye never wears the same socks twice!

Kanye saw Abraham Lincoln’s ghost.

Kanye can hold his breath for two minutes.

Kanye can order Chinese food in Chinese.

Kanye rescued baby squirrels from a fire.

Kanye ate too many Cronuts, and is glad they’re not a thing anymore.

Kanye always cries when he hears the song “Mr. Roboto”.

Communing with Nature--a Survival Guide

Heading out into the woods because you think we're all part of nature or some hooey?  Gonna meditate on a rock?  Make meaningful eye contact with woodland creatures?   Here are some tips so you don't DIE!

1. Plants with spots are poison.  Some plants with leaves are poison, too.  Avoid plants.

2. Trees are old and carry a grudge against humanity.  Do not trust a tree.

3. If you see a Brown bear, make a lot of noise.

4. If you see a Grizzly bear, act dead. 

5. Know the difference between Grizzlies and Brown.  (Like, aren’t they both brown?)

6. Wolves travel in packs.  Packs of jerks!  Cover yourself in wolf poo.

7. Mosquitos and ticks have formed an alliance to murder us.  Burn forest to the ground.

8. If you see Yeti, let him beat you almost to death and tell me what THAT was like.

9. Jason Voorhees is still out there.  Look down at yourself.  Are you a teen?  Are you having sex?  Stop both of thats.

10. Don’t eat the berries.  All poison.

11. Don’t eat anything.  Birds peed on everything.

Weekend Movie Review!!!

Here are the hit movies coming out this week!  They will be shown on a big wall!  They will use light and sound!  The smell is from something else!

Blobby Big Eyes
This animated movie is really well done, and it should be!  It a 7 bazillion people to tell the computers what to do!  Watch it for the credits alone--so many people with different names!  This movie will make you laugh so much you will wonder if you're just a puppet on a goddamned string. 
3 stars

The Something
You're not going to believe what creepy thing is happening in this isolated locale that has very poor cell phone reception.  And people die!  Whoa.
7.55 stars

Male-Man
This guy is really likable but very lonely, oh no wait, here comes his sidekick.  And wow, is he ever ripped!  Good thing, because he has to punch everybody!  But will he punch everybody, everybody?
4 shamus

A Phrase People Say, I Guess
There is a guy and he is really got problems in his head and also his Mother.  The girl in this one has a very unusual way at looking at the world.  They have friends with different perspectives.  The Mother gets cancer.  There's a camel.  You will cry!  Especially if you are already crying.
1 shit

Holiday on the Calendar
This couple have big problems: their life is NOT perfect!!   They have at least three big problems.   And it's that holiday where you do things?  Oh no!  Perfect movie to crap your pants in the theater.
9 000 000 Neil Degrasse Tysons

5 Delicious Summer Wines for a Season of Crippling Despair!

Night Train
A classic vintage enjoyed in gutters across our great nation.  Tried and tested, tastes worse than you feel.

Aqua Velva
Want your last pool party invite ever?  Show up with a bottle of this stuff and do your thing.  You’ll be offering to skim the pool of your accident in no time, mon ami!

The Wine Your Old Classmate Brought Over Before They'd Realized You’d Gone Insane
Crack that open in front of your poor old friend and guzzle.  Let them see where your degree has gotten you.

Patio Wine
Walk by a patio.  If you can reach someone’s glass of wine, then some could argue (like the lawyer they appoint you) that it’s your squatter glass of wine.

Beer
It’s cheaper than wine, and easier to steal from your neighbor’s garage fridge.

Imaginary Friend or Ghost of a Pedophile: Who is your child talking to?

Children have wonderful imaginations that they squander on making up people to play with instead of say, a cure for cancer or startup ideas.  Children also are dangerously connected to the spiritual world.   They haven’t learned to tune that shit out.
 
Here are some ways to figure out who the hell your kid is talking to:

1. What is the name of your child’s imaginary friend?  Gleekbo?  You’re fine.  That is a totally made up name that is really stupid.  But if the friend’s name is Gary or Uncle Jerry?  Warning bells.

2.Check out your child’s drawings.  The sun, upper right corner, a wobbly cat, a really unflattering boxy version of you--okay, your child is no Picasso.  Or he IS, and he’s wasting his time drawing the cat all the time!  Now, if you see a large ghosty figure lurking in the picture that has big hands, that’s a strong indication you’ve got a dead Uncle Jerry on your hands.

3. Does your child have to whisper a lot with his imaginary friend?  Listen in on that.  Get the Whisper 2000 and get informed. 

4. Consider finding your child real friends to play with.  Age appropriate ones who also enjoy playing with flashing, beeping, screeching toys, while people with cancer languish.

5. There’s some other ghost warning stuff:  cold drafts, doors closing, rattle of chains.  But what are you going to do?  Can’t protect your kid from everything.  Good Luck!

How to Lose 57 lbs Walking! *involves amputation

HOW TO LOSE 57 LBS WALKING!!! *INVOLVES AMPUTATION

Scientists in a camper somewhere in the USA have discovered that Walking burns as much calories as dousing yourself in gasoline.  

Here are some fun tips so you can stop upsetting us with your icky lbs!

Pick a great route

Where haven't you been?  A burning building?  Bangladesh?  Leper colony? Lace up and get there!

Carry something heavy

Hauling heavy weight while you walk increases the calorie burn.  Make a statement and drag a crucifix!  Or just bags of garbage in front of your estranged husband's new home.  You could also plan an exciting abduction of a child, making memories and muscles!

Walk for a Wasting Disease so hard you get that Disease

The jury is still out on which is the skinniest disease, but I got money on IBS.  Get walking, handshake a lot, open your mouth, and catch it.

Walk into the Past

Walk backwards in time to the 1800s or earlier, where people were much smaller.

Listen to Rihanna and Miley

Listen loud.  Those girls are skinny.  No fat music!

Walk into a laboratory

Get the scientists to inject you with radiation.  Feel and see the lbs drip away.  Drip, drip, drip...Your face may melt too.  But I'm sure that was next on your list!

Amputate

Probably your leg for the biggest weight loss.  Plus one leg makes walking EVEN MORE calorie burny!

Taylor Swift fights Lululemon Mannequins for Legs and Wins!

New York City's Leg ambassador, Taylor Swift did a little ass-kicking today, or LEG-Kicking!  Or Leg-Ass-Leg kicking!!!

She got into a fight with all the mannequins at Lululemon!

It's well-known that Taylor Swift, or Swift kick-in-the-ass, as her friends call her, collects legs just in case her legs go bad, which they HAVEN'T AT ALL!  Plus, kicking mannequin ass is such a great workout.  And it keeps this city safe.

Jonathan Swift, as some other friends call her when they're being mean, really met her match fighting these Lululemon mannequins.  They are the fittest mannequins in town.  And they belong to a cult!

But the mannequins lost BAD!

SHAKE THAT OFF LULULEMON MANNEQUINS!!

TOP 10 New York City places to see BEFORE YOU DIE!!!

TOP 10 New York City Places to See BEFORE YOU DIE!!!

1.

Mount Sinai Hospital

They have really good doctors there who can help you with whatever is making you die.

www.mountsinai.org

2.

Katz's Delicatessen

Their pastrami sandwich is the most life-affirming sandwich I've ever had.  Proof: I'm still alive!  Don't die!  Go here!

www.katzsdelicatessen.com

3.
Empire State Building
Really tall!  King Kong was all over it!  But they have very TIGHT SECURITY, so don't even think it's your last place to see, if you get my drift.  Consider watching the original King Kong movie instead.  I haven't seen it in ages.  I bet it's great.  Let's do that!
www.esbnyc.com

4.
Hersey Chocolate Store Nightmare
It's in Times Square, so you may die before you even get inside the store.  But if you're going for death by chocolate, this is probably the place.  Not sure how much you'd have to eat, but hit the sample tray hard and see where it gets you.
www.hersheys.com/visit-us/times-square.aspx

5.
East River
I feel weird doing your homework for you like this but you know, the river has strong currents.  Pretty cold.  Looks swimmable, but isn't.  Please though, there's artisanal donuts everywhere now in NYC.  Or you could just call a friend or something.  Even message me!  I have cable.  We can just hang out.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_River

6.
Doughnut Plant
They have every donut and if you're like me, you know you can cure disease by eating specific things.  Cashew and Orange Blossom for measles, Coconut Cream for crippling depression, Matcha Green Tea cake for ebola.
www.doughnutplant.com

7.
Duane Reade
This is the local drugstore chain.  Conveniently located by the sites of common Citibike accidents, food cart poisonings, random attacks in Union Square, falling tree limbs in Central Park.  If you're going to die, you could crawl in there and see what they can do.  They have little doctor's offices in the back!  I'm serious.  I got my flu shot there.  Plus, one time, something bit me.  They really helped me out.
www.duanereade.com 

8.
12 Step Groups at Saint Francis of Assissi
They have a meeting going all the time.  Make some friends and take a load off.
www.stfrancisnyc.org/12-step-programs-self-help-support-groups




9.
Manhattan Neighborhood Network
This is NYC's cable access studio.  You could come visit, watch New Yorkers put on puppet shows, go into Outer Space or just talk about what's going on with them!
And you know, you could visit Moe and Mary on Fridays at 6pm, be part of the live studio audience.
www.mnn.org

10.
the Sidewalk
Fall down, lie down, sit down then slump over.  You can just collapse on any sidewalk, and someone will eventually come deal with you.  New Yorkers aren't totally heartless.   In fact, a lot of them are very nice and will locate the closest hospital, Duane Reade, or donut shop according to your afflictions.
http://www.nyc.gov/html/dot/html/infrastructure/sidewalkintro.shtml

Advice to a Sole Survivor

Advice to a Sole Survivor

 1.  Accept that you’re a better person than everyone else who died in that pedicab crash/cuddle party fire/pioneer attack.  And further, secretly suspect all those people who died did something really bad and had to be punished.
 
2. Don’t push your luck, though.  You used it up.  Do not attend themed events.
 
3. If death pursues you, like a cleaver flies at your head, or a mall escalator malfunctions, consult those Final Destination movies and take notes on how they tricked death.  I think the one girl gets away, right?
 
4. Don’t let New People know about the time everyone around you got killed.  It will freak New People out, and they will be afraid to love you, especially if death really has a gross boner for you.
 
5. DO tell everyone how you survived a horrendous tragedy IF that everyone is in a courtroom and they want you in jail for that crime spree you committed because you were feeling lucky.  They might go easy on you. 
 
6. Insist they get Rob Lowe to play you in the made-for-TV movie especially if you’re a woman.  Rob Lowe is really wonderful in this genre.  He does not get enough credit. 
 
7. Try not to dwell on the past.  Start a puzzle!
 
8. Don’t feel like now you have to be amazing and you need to save other people.  You’re already amazing!  You survived!  (and See 1)

So. Cold.

When I was young, I had to walk to school backwards--that's how cold it was.  It was only a couple of blocks.  But they were long blocks!  And we didn't have heat-tech shirts or flying shoes or global warming to help us!

We also didn't have as many perverts, I guess.  Because nowadays, all kids get chauffeured to school in black SUVs.  And they need tip money for their security team.  And they send out an alert if the kid's not there.  Everyone's phones will scream that alert.  Kid's picture will get on the news, make the kid famous... 
Back in my day, if a kid didn't show up, she was drunk and sleeping it off.  You left her alone.

But I'll give it to you, children of today.  It is a little cold out.  So wear your hats!  Don't eat yellow snow!  Don't put your tongue on metal!  Why would you even do that?  Goddamn kids!

advice: don't go to a movie with a farmer!

Just take my advice: Don’t go to a movie with a farmer!

They never root for the pig hero.

They’re always pointing out tractors and farm equipment in a scene.  “Look, there’s a hoe!”  And miss the whole point!

They get mad when they see exotic fruits and do their whole speech about how apples are better than mangoes.

They won’t eat popcorn because that’s all they eat at home.

They’re like: “As if people stay up that late at night” and they elbow you really hard with their hard farm arms!

And never mind the smell!!

Wolf Corner

Someone found himself in the dreaded Wolf Corner!!!

Stuff I'm TRYING not to think about!

Stuff I'm TRYING not to think about!

Flour getting all over everything.

Am I going to run into Casey Anthony one day and will I have to fight her?

Bruce Jenner's hair.

How many teeth am I supposed to have?

The stuff in my couch.

My weird finger.

I never saw It's a Wonderful Life, and maybe I never will.

Real deal on gummy worms at Walgreens.

ideas for Johnny Depp!

Ideas for Johnny Depp!

If you are Johnny Depp or you know him, these ideas are for you/him!

First of all: Hi!  Are you ok?

I hear you own an island.  Do you think that is making things weird in your head?

You're also a winemaker?

(I should get to the ideas, sorry!)

1. No more wacky mustaches.  Maybe you need a face security guard?  Maybe you need a step-type group to admit you have a problem?  Cut the stache right away.

2. You're old.  I know, because I liked you as a teenager.  Now I'm home on a Saturday, writing this to you.  What I'm saying:  Would it kill you to act with some woman your own age?   Like, Tina Yothers or ALF?

3.  Don't play dead.  In the last ten movies, you were a corpse or something. 

4. If your costume is going to have ruffles or odd collars, you've done the bad thing again.

5. Why don't you just play a jerk?  I mean you own an island and make wine!  Just be you!

6. Can I come to your island?

7. Get really fat!  That would rule.  And then just go sit on your island!!

8. Do a movie where you get attacked!  Remake Zero Dark Thirty!

9. Can you pretend you were American once?  Just hang out in a parking lot with a 40 ouncer already.

10.  I still believe in you, Johnny Depp.

11.  No more hats either!

:D

 

 

7 Cool New Signs of the Apocalypse!

7 Cool New Signs of the Apocalypse! 

1. Matthew Mcconaughey doing horseback INTENSE acting!
2. Katy Perry and Rihanna get into a big fight and make mean songs about each other :(
3. McDonald's Kale 'n Horse burgers.
4. Zombie Cats.
5. George RR Martin finishes Game of Thrones books and it's like MEH...
6. Shit-nadoes
7. They stop making nickels!

Eek!