So. Cold.

When I was young, I had to walk to school backwards--that's how cold it was.  It was only a couple of blocks.  But they were long blocks!  And we didn't have heat-tech shirts or flying shoes or global warming to help us!

We also didn't have as many perverts, I guess.  Because nowadays, all kids get chauffeured to school in black SUVs.  And they need tip money for their security team.  And they send out an alert if the kid's not there.  Everyone's phones will scream that alert.  Kid's picture will get on the news, make the kid famous... 
Back in my day, if a kid didn't show up, she was drunk and sleeping it off.  You left her alone.

But I'll give it to you, children of today.  It is a little cold out.  So wear your hats!  Don't eat yellow snow!  Don't put your tongue on metal!  Why would you even do that?  Goddamn kids!

advice: don't go to a movie with a farmer!

Just take my advice: Don’t go to a movie with a farmer!

They never root for the pig hero.

They’re always pointing out tractors and farm equipment in a scene.  “Look, there’s a hoe!”  And miss the whole point!

They get mad when they see exotic fruits and do their whole speech about how apples are better than mangoes.

They won’t eat popcorn because that’s all they eat at home.

They’re like: “As if people stay up that late at night” and they elbow you really hard with their hard farm arms!

And never mind the smell!!

Wolf Corner

Someone found himself in the dreaded Wolf Corner!!!

Stuff I'm TRYING not to think about!

Stuff I'm TRYING not to think about!

Flour getting all over everything.

Am I going to run into Casey Anthony one day and will I have to fight her?

Bruce Jenner's hair.

How many teeth am I supposed to have?

The stuff in my couch.

My weird finger.

I never saw It's a Wonderful Life, and maybe I never will.

Real deal on gummy worms at Walgreens.

ideas for Johnny Depp!

Ideas for Johnny Depp!

If you are Johnny Depp or you know him, these ideas are for you/him!

First of all: Hi!  Are you ok?

I hear you own an island.  Do you think that is making things weird in your head?

You're also a winemaker?

(I should get to the ideas, sorry!)

1. No more wacky mustaches.  Maybe you need a face security guard?  Maybe you need a step-type group to admit you have a problem?  Cut the stache right away.

2. You're old.  I know, because I liked you as a teenager.  Now I'm home on a Saturday, writing this to you.  What I'm saying:  Would it kill you to act with some woman your own age?   Like, Tina Yothers or ALF?

3.  Don't play dead.  In the last ten movies, you were a corpse or something. 

4. If your costume is going to have ruffles or odd collars, you've done the bad thing again.

5. Why don't you just play a jerk?  I mean you own an island and make wine!  Just be you!

6. Can I come to your island?

7. Get really fat!  That would rule.  And then just go sit on your island!!

8. Do a movie where you get attacked!  Remake Zero Dark Thirty!

9. Can you pretend you were American once?  Just hang out in a parking lot with a 40 ouncer already.

10.  I still believe in you, Johnny Depp.

11.  No more hats either!

:D

 

 

7 Cool New Signs of the Apocalypse!

7 Cool New Signs of the Apocalypse! 

1. Matthew Mcconaughey doing horseback INTENSE acting!
2. Katy Perry and Rihanna get into a big fight and make mean songs about each other :(
3. McDonald's Kale 'n Horse burgers.
4. Zombie Cats.
5. George RR Martin finishes Game of Thrones books and it's like MEH...
6. Shit-nadoes
7. They stop making nickels!

Eek!