Heading out into the woods because you think we're all part of nature or some hooey? Gonna meditate on a rock? Make meaningful eye contact with woodland creatures? Here are some tips so you don't DIE!
1. Plants with spots are poison. Some plants with leaves are poison, too. Avoid plants.
2. Trees are old and carry a grudge against humanity. Do not trust a tree.
3. If you see a Brown bear, make a lot of noise.
4. If you see a Grizzly bear, act dead.
5. Know the difference between Grizzlies and Brown. (Like, aren’t they both brown?)
6. Wolves travel in packs. Packs of jerks! Cover yourself in wolf poo.
7. Mosquitos and ticks have formed an alliance to murder us. Burn forest to the ground.
8. If you see Yeti, let him beat you almost to death and tell me what THAT was like.
9. Jason Voorhees is still out there. Look down at yourself. Are you a teen? Are you having sex? Stop both of thats.
10. Don’t eat the berries. All poison.
11. Don’t eat anything. Birds peed on everything.
These are all true. I know cuz I died in the woods.
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