Advice to a Sole Survivor

Advice to a Sole Survivor

 1.  Accept that you’re a better person than everyone else who died in that pedicab crash/cuddle party fire/pioneer attack.  And further, secretly suspect all those people who died did something really bad and had to be punished.
 
2. Don’t push your luck, though.  You used it up.  Do not attend themed events.
 
3. If death pursues you, like a cleaver flies at your head, or a mall escalator malfunctions, consult those Final Destination movies and take notes on how they tricked death.  I think the one girl gets away, right?
 
4. Don’t let New People know about the time everyone around you got killed.  It will freak New People out, and they will be afraid to love you, especially if death really has a gross boner for you.
 
5. DO tell everyone how you survived a horrendous tragedy IF that everyone is in a courtroom and they want you in jail for that crime spree you committed because you were feeling lucky.  They might go easy on you. 
 
6. Insist they get Rob Lowe to play you in the made-for-TV movie especially if you’re a woman.  Rob Lowe is really wonderful in this genre.  He does not get enough credit. 
 
7. Try not to dwell on the past.  Start a puzzle!
 
8. Don’t feel like now you have to be amazing and you need to save other people.  You’re already amazing!  You survived!  (and See 1)