When I was young, I had to walk to school backwards--that's how cold it was. It was only a couple of blocks. But they were long blocks! And we didn't have heat-tech shirts or flying shoes or global warming to help us!
We also didn't have as many perverts, I guess. Because nowadays, all kids get chauffeured to school in black SUVs. And they need tip money for their security team. And they send out an alert if the kid's not there. Everyone's phones will scream that alert. Kid's picture will get on the news, make the kid famous...
Back in my day, if a kid didn't show up, she was drunk and sleeping it off. You left her alone.
But I'll give it to you, children of today. It is a little cold out. So wear your hats! Don't eat yellow snow! Don't put your tongue on metal! Why would you even do that? Goddamn kids!
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