2017 Predictions💩💩!!

💩💩Hi guys!

Gosh, you must be so excited to find out what THIS year is gonna do!
Here is probably what will happen this year starting right away!!

1. Pillsbury Facemasks
They bake on your face and then you claw them off in your sleep and eat them.

2. Taco Bell and Pfizer join forces and bring us the Burrito Muy Loco con Zoloft

3. Indifferent Live Organ Donors, cuz who even cares anymore. You want my liver? Take it!!

4. Weatherpeople come up with 30 different words for hot weather.  Like Eskimos have for snow?
It's crematory out there, Chicago! Wear a hat! Filled with ice! It's infernocious! Confess your sins! It's a real pubesoaker out there! All week's it's gonna be fireface!

5. Mommy and Me assault weapon class--oh, wait it already exists-->  babywearing and carrying

6. We will finally get to Hurricane Blac Chyna in the name cycle.

7. Hand sanitizer will be replaced with ranch dressing.

8. Dolphin attacks. They're sick of us!

9. Vomitoriums become a thing again. 

10. Women hold the world hostage with mass free-bleeding!

5 Toxic Friends you need to Strangle out of your life NOW!!!

You've got some serious dead weight in your social circle.  It's time to cut it loose!  No mercy!


Friend Who Talks About Herself
When you asked how she was, you didn’t realize it was going to be a whole thing about her Mother.  Then it’s like she’s got a story for everything.  And you have a way worse Mother and way better stories.  Strangle this person out of your life before she suffocates you with her conversation!

Friend Who Wants Stuff Back
You’re going to give her stuff back, but just not right now-now.  You don’t remember hearing there being some time limit on borrowing the stuff.  And frankly, her stuff looks wayyyy better on you.  Keep the stuff.  Press Ignore Always.

Health Crazed Friend 
She doesn’t wear make-up or a bra--because she doesn’t think she needs to!  She drinks so much kale juice, you don’t want to know what her BM’s look like!  And yoga pants aren’t pants, by the way.  Ditch her.

Friend with Weird Teeth
Your friend with the weird teeth is ruining ALL of your pictures on Instagram.  Hasn’t she ever heard of an orthodontist?  Like hello, braces already.  Don’t wait around to see what she’s got stuck in those weird teeth today--NEVER answer her texts.

Sick Friend
You get it.  She’s sick. She can’t do things like the rest of us. There’s maybe no cure.  Why is she holding you back?  No, you don’t want to sit around and read magazines while she waits for a call from the organ donor people.  Don’t feel bad, she might be contagious.  Quarantine this friend from your fun times!

Burn the Fat--LITERALLY with RealFire© in 9 simple steps

Before you reject this awesome idea of fat burning with RealFire©, like go: oh, I'm afraid of RealFire©, or won't RealFire© hurt?  Think about how IMPOSSIBLE it is to burn fat through exercise.  Like, crunches? Seriously?

Okay, let's do this!

1. With a Sharpie© or a RealKnife©, mark all fat on your body you want to burn off literally.
2. Move away from all flammable things in your home. like your mattress, your lady magazines, your lap dogs.  I'm thinking you do this in the tub or a garage.
3.Get matches.
4. Call 911, tell them someone has been horrifically burned and to hurry on over.
5. Be that someone!  Use RealFire© to get the flames really going.
6. Make sure you eat.  I should have said that earlier.  Just, you're going to smell delicious is all.
7. After you've burned your fat, don't listen to others when they say you look terrible.  Don't listen to friends or the paramedics.  If your family cries, it's because they are jealous.
8. Tell them you will never do it again.
9. Do it again in six months when your skin heals.

Lyme Disease or Teen Magic? Know the difference!

Fever, chills, and a major crush on Mister Doogan?  OMG, gross! What is wrong with you??

Let's totally figure it out!

Were you out in the woods?
That's where ticks live and they carry Lyme disease.  They get it from biting deer.  I guess if you got bitten by a deer that's also a problem?

Were you out in the woods on a full moon?
That's where teen witches go with their coven and do their spells.  Teen Witch spells are most powerful on a full moon.

Do you have a target rash?
That's classic Lyme disease.  But here's the thing: A Teen Witch, if she's from a powerful line of Witches on her Mother's side, could totally summon a rash to make you think you have Lyme disease, so that you won't go to the dance on Friday.


Is some of your hair missing?
Teen Witches use locks of hair for Binding Spells, Obsession Spells and Diet Spells.

Is part of your face paralyzed?
Whoa! You are totally not going to Dakota's party!  But I hear Zachary is super worried about you....

Did you steal your best friend's boyfriend??
OMG I can't believe I'm even helping you figure out if you have Lyme disease or Teen Magic right now!!!  Don't even!!! 

Is it Cancer or a Parasitic Twin? How to tell!

You've got this thing on your skin and you're worried. But before you go to the doctor, read this!

IS the thing itchy?
Okay, that could be cancer or parasitic twin.  But DON'T scratch it either way. 

DOES it have an irregular border?
You always hear that cancer has an irregular border.  Not sure what it means.  But it's good to ask.

ARE there legs and tiny arms sticking out of it?
That might be a parasitic twin.  But who can really say?  Tumors can get creative I bet.

IS it telling you to do terrible things?
Again that could be either, but probably parasitic?  I'm not actually a doctor.

HAVE you been in the sun a lot?
I don't think your parasitic twin would appreciate that. Like, poor guy!

IS it bleeding?
Okay, this thing is starting to sound really gross.  I don't want to look at it anymore!

GOOD LUCK WITH WHATEVER IT TURNS OUT TO BE!!!