Romantic Getaways from the Guy Who Just Abducted You!

Hey Lady!

I know, you were just a widdle bit dwunk, and the Guy was real good looking, and you got into his white paneled van.  Then you woke up, and found out you're a slave in his sex dungeon. Been there!  Who hasn't, ammirightladies?

Your hair all fucked up because he dragged you around by it, and you've screamed most of your make up off.  Your nails will never look the same after all that digging that led nowhere.

And guess, what?  He's filming the whole thing. 

But don't worry, I got you covered!  Here's how to get away from Mister Handsome Sadistic Predator  all sexy like!

First of all: Don't panic!  Because you might not have much time.  I mean, he'll probably get sick of you and find the next girl in a few days.  You probably only have a few hours of life left.  Does anyone know you're even missing???  Also panic looks ugly on camera.  It ages you, so just don't.

Okay, next, call him Cute Stuff, Honey Buns, fun things like that.  Try and ignore that he's tied you up and is doing something super weird with your panties. Just go along with all his crazy talk and see if you can find something you BOTH enjoy.  Like, snakes for example? Very sexy!

Search the ground for a tiny paper clip or jagged glass. Anything you can use to free yourself, or use later when you need to escape.  There's always something on the ground in every movie I've ever seen.  Why not for you?  You're all that, girlfriend!  Pretend you're all Brie Larson!  She's hot!

Seriously, has no one noticed you are gone?  Did anyone see you leave?  This is why it's so important to have a stalker in your life.  Hopefully, you've got some spare dude obsessed with you, and he's already called the police or planning a daring rescue--Another reason to stay fit through this ordeal. Do some crunches!

You're going to need to plan your big getaway.  Figure out the security code on the door.  Get your hands free.  You've got one shot at this.  Imagine it's The Voice and you need to sing for your life!  It's like that!  But instead of singing you are going to murder your abductor with your bare hands if you have to! 

I can't wait to see all the interviews you're going to do when you get out!  Kick some butt!