Heading out into the woods because you think we're all part of nature or some hooey? Gonna meditate on a rock? Make meaningful eye contact with woodland creatures? Here are some tips so you don't DIE!
1. Plants with spots are poison. Some plants with leaves are poison, too. Avoid plants.
2. Trees are old and carry a grudge against humanity. Do not trust a tree.
3. If you see a Brown bear, make a lot of noise.
4. If you see a Grizzly bear, act dead.
5. Know the difference between Grizzlies and Brown. (Like, aren’t they both brown?)
6. Wolves travel in packs. Packs of jerks! Cover yourself in wolf poo.
7. Mosquitos and ticks have formed an alliance to murder us. Burn forest to the ground.
8. If you see Yeti, let him beat you almost to death and tell me what THAT was like.
9. Jason Voorhees is still out there. Look down at yourself. Are you a teen? Are you having sex? Stop both of thats.
10. Don’t eat the berries. All poison.
11. Don’t eat anything. Birds peed on everything.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Weekend Movie Review!!!
Here are the hit movies coming out this week! They will be shown on a big wall! They will use light and sound! The smell is from something else!
Blobby Big Eyes
This animated movie is really well done, and it should be! It a 7 bazillion people to tell the computers what to do! Watch it for the credits alone--so many people with different names! This movie will make you laugh so much you will wonder if you're just a puppet on a goddamned string.
3 stars
The Something
You're not going to believe what creepy thing is happening in this isolated locale that has very poor cell phone reception. And people die! Whoa.
7.55 stars
Male-Man
This guy is really likable but very lonely, oh no wait, here comes his sidekick. And wow, is he ever ripped! Good thing, because he has to punch everybody! But will he punch everybody, everybody?
4 shamus
A Phrase People Say, I Guess
There is a guy and he is really got problems in his head and also his Mother. The girl in this one has a very unusual way at looking at the world. They have friends with different perspectives. The Mother gets cancer. There's a camel. You will cry! Especially if you are already crying.
1 shit
Holiday on the Calendar
This couple have big problems: their life is NOT perfect!! They have at least three big problems. And it's that holiday where you do things? Oh no! Perfect movie to crap your pants in the theater.
9 000 000 Neil Degrasse Tysons
Blobby Big Eyes
This animated movie is really well done, and it should be! It a 7 bazillion people to tell the computers what to do! Watch it for the credits alone--so many people with different names! This movie will make you laugh so much you will wonder if you're just a puppet on a goddamned string.
3 stars
The Something
You're not going to believe what creepy thing is happening in this isolated locale that has very poor cell phone reception. And people die! Whoa.
7.55 stars
Male-Man
This guy is really likable but very lonely, oh no wait, here comes his sidekick. And wow, is he ever ripped! Good thing, because he has to punch everybody! But will he punch everybody, everybody?
4 shamus
A Phrase People Say, I Guess
There is a guy and he is really got problems in his head and also his Mother. The girl in this one has a very unusual way at looking at the world. They have friends with different perspectives. The Mother gets cancer. There's a camel. You will cry! Especially if you are already crying.
1 shit
Holiday on the Calendar
This couple have big problems: their life is NOT perfect!! They have at least three big problems. And it's that holiday where you do things? Oh no! Perfect movie to crap your pants in the theater.
9 000 000 Neil Degrasse Tysons
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